Ugh. Just ugh. This blog. So dusty and under used and unread! One day, many years from now I’m going to skim over those early entries from when I was 17 and be so disappointed.
Here’s some random thoughts.
I am devouring Dereck Landy’s Skullduggery Pleasant books at the moment and loving it. I read them way back in high school and it’s been a very happy reunion. It feels good to be totally absorbed in a book series again. Most of the books I read these days are either books I have to read, books I’m analysing, books about books, or the kind of books that I feel like I should be reading- big wordy canonical books, books to be read just so you ca say that you read them. Yes many of these books are good, but nothing grips me quite as much as a good young adult fantasy mystery with a dark humour, twisty turny plot line, un-cliché detailed characters and an ending that leaves you with your jaw on the ground. These are the books that remind me why I love and adore reading.
Speaking of love, I’m 100% completely over it. One of my new years resolutions was to find a boyfriend/girlfriend and 11 days into the new year I can fairly confidently say that I’ve stopped giving a fuck. It’s pleasing to be at a point in my life where I find a persons actions more attractive then their physique. Where I value being able to hold an interesting conversation with someone over them simply noticing me. It feels like a healthy place to be in.
What is not healthy is the fact that my interest in love and finding love has dipped quite significantly. I find myself irritated by couples and uninterested by romance. Almost all of my romantic stories have taken a sideline and I’ve been putting work into my crime novel instead.
What’s assisted this total lack of interest in love is both a) my third and final foray into the world of online dating and b) my new job.
Ugh. Online dating. I don’t know why I ever bothered with it, let alone why I bothered with it more than once. The most recent attempt was on a different website, and I gave up after a week. Why? The usual reasons- an influx of creeps. Although this time what sealed my decision was this article I read about online dating and the people on there, and the thought that somehow people are ‘entitled’ to love and sex. Specifically the article focused on the ‘nice guy’ bullshit, and the idea that some not nice men have that being a ‘nice guy’ means they’re entitled to sex, and therefore don’t see women as people worthy of friendship or any other association. She’s worth being nice to if she’ll put out. If not, she’s screwing you over.
Sad to say, my few experiences with online dating have followed this exact pattern. The few guys who I manage to maintain conversations with manage to magically stop replying as soon as it becomes clear that I’m not interested in meeting up for sex.
Another article I read was about a comedian who created the most awful female dating profile she could, but still had men messaging her wanting to meet up and entirely okay with how awful she was.
I deleted my dating profile to rescue my impression of the male gender, as I know not all guys are like that. Still, ugh.
But what really did it for me was the first article, and the idea that people aren’t entitled to love. I think ever since I’ve been old enough to understand stories and take messages on board, my understanding was that there was a guaranteed person out there for me- my prince charming, soul mate, other half, whatever. And eventually, at some undetermined point in the future, he or she would come along and that would be that. It was going to happen. That was the unspoken promise from a thousand books and movies and people telling me one day I’d be married and all that crap.
Now I’m twenty years old, I’ve never been in a relationship, I have no prospects of being in a relationship, and it’s finally sunk in that finding love, as nice as it would be, is not something I’m entitled to at all. That a lot of people never meet the right person and, more importantly, that it’s okay not to. I’m so god damn sick of songs and books and stupid well meaning quotations telling me that without love, life isn’t worth living. That’s bullshit. I have friends and family who love me and who I love. I don’t need a ‘significant other’ to love a fulfilled and interesting life. It’s not something I’m entitled to, am guaranteed, or am even sure I want anymore. That’s not a bad thing and I refuse to believe that it is.
A whole bunch of random shit. Welcome to my head.