A whole pile of ugh

I feel like I’ve changed a lot over the past two years since graduating, but there are one or two things that haven’t changed.

1) I still complain CONSTANTLY about EVERYTHING and then continue to do nothing about it.

2) I still don’t know what to do with my life

3) I’m still terrified of everything

4) I’m still self-diagnosed as depressed.

The end of the year is fast approaching. This has been a brilliant year, but it’s also been very difficult. I love the end of the year, because I love new years resolutions. This year I resolved to make university work for me and to make new friends, and now, in recollection, I think I’ve done that.
And I’ve decided to get a jump start on New Years Eve and start planning next years resolutions now, and hopefully make a start on them.

Basically, the goal is to be a happier, more positive, and more capable person. How am I going to accomplish that? As follows.

1) It’s time to start being more honest with others, and with myself. I lie a lot, about stupid things. I say what I think I’m supposed to say, instead of what I really mean. When I feel afraid, it’s sometimes difficult to understand exactly why. I want to understand more, and be understood more. I want to say what I actually mean, and if this means slowing down and shutting up then I’ll do it.

2) Stop complaining. It’s like fucking clockwork. I can’t find a job. Uni is hard. I don’t know what to do with my life. Bla bla bla. It’s boring and it needs to stop. I’m not sure how I’m going to kick the self-indulgent whining habit, but I’ll find a way.

3) Do things to be happier, even when its hard. Running and exercising make me feel good, make me more productive, give better sleep and a happier outlook. And yet I will run maybe once a week and then make excuses every other day and feel like crap about it. This needs to stop. Even when it’s difficult, I’m determined to get into the habit of getting up and getting out as many days of the week as possible.

4) I want to make better use of my time. I spend soooooo much time on the internet doing nothing. I say I want to do all these projects and things but then I just never get around to it. This needs to change.

5) I need to get over my aversion to looking nice. This sounds horribly narcissistic, but I’ve decided next year I’m going to focus more on my appearance and start trying to look good every day. I think this will give me more confidence and make me happier. And then maybe I will stop using “I’m ugly” as an excuse for everything.

6) I want to be kinder to myself. If this means making lists of nice things and pinning them next to my bed, or taking a moment out of every day to meditate and just feel happy and confident for no reason, then so fucking be it.

7) I want to spend more time appreciating moments and being present, and not always thinking forward or regretting the past.

So in short:

Be more honest
Stop complaining
Do things that I know will make me happy, even when it’s hard.
Use my time better
Feel better about appearance
Be kind to myself
Be present

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