happy when?

So I was watching this thing on youtube today where a guy was talking about having a existential crisis.

And it got me thinking about my own existential crisis, and the existential crisis’s of other people I know and don’t know.

And for those who don’t know what I mean by existential crisis and weren’t expecting the phrase to pop up so frequently, an existential crisis is when you freak out about the meaning and significance of your own existence. Like, why am I alive? What is the purpose of my life? Will I ever achieve anything significant? Why am I wasting so much time?

It’s incredibly depressing and can be a tad overwhelming if you let it be.

I have a few things to say on the matter, but lets get to the point shall we?

I can’t help but shake the feeling that the only way my life could really be a waste, is if I spend my whole life waiting to be happy.

And this, I fear, is a very real risk.

See, my personal existential crisis revolves around the fact that everything I do and don’t do is anticipation of a happier future. But where does it end?

I worked my ass off in High School, having no social life and working jobs on the weekends so i could get good grades and have money saved.

The, when high school was over, I kept working crappy jobs so I could go overseas.

And then, once I went overseas, I kept on working (this time as a volunteer) and living with strangers and feeling lonely so that I could travel freely later.

And then, once I was travelling, I was being careful with my money and feeling lonely because I wanted to have money when i got home, and due to my neglected social life I don’t really have any friends.

And then once I got home, I went back to working at crappy jobs, this time so I can go to university.

And I want to go to university and work hard and put myself thousands of dollars in debt so I can hopefully then get a better job.

And then, I’m going to work this hopefully better job so I can support myself while writing a book.

And then, with any luck, this book will get published.

But how much time is that going to take?

And what happens then?

And will that be enough to make me happy?

I feel like I spend so much time thinking about the future and making every aspect of my life revolve around whatever it is that’s coming next, all so that I can be happy one day. So one day, some undetermined day in the future, I can finally be happy and content.

But the problem is that i’m not happy now. I work crappy jobs and have zero friends without any interest in hanging out. The things I enjoy most are watching youtube videos and sleeping. You know your life sucks when your biggest buzz comes when someone you’re subscribed to uploads a new video.

So I’m stuck in a rut, in other words. A life that feels like an existence, not something I actually enjoy. And I am fully aware how this is so “first world problem”y, but I don’t care. My unhappiness is as real as anybody else’s, whatever the reasons behind it are. And feeling guilty and bad about it isn’t going to help anybody else, or me.
And when i dig myself out of this rut, I can’t shake the feeling I’m just going to fall into another, one, then another one, then another one. A never ending series of ruts that have to be ‘put up with’.

But I don’t want to put up with the one and only life I have. I want to enjoy it.

And thus you have my existential crisis. I have no idea what to do.

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