this is my party and i’ll cry if I want to

Wow, it feels like only yesterday I was on this very blog talking about my transition from seventeen year old angst riddled loser into eighteen year old angst riddled loser.

And suddenly, I’m a nineteen year old angst riddled loser.

It’s my birthday. SHOWER ME WITH LOVE.

As usual, it’s kind of a non-affair. Just like last year, I’m feeling the same sense of anxiety and doom surrounding my special day. Due to that lovely glitch in my personality that overanalyses things, here’s my thoughts on why this happens. I mean, this year. Last year I had a different theory. Ah change.

I think the reason I feel like crap on my birthday is because we’re supposed to be doing stuff that makes us happy. But what if you have no idea what makes you happy? Or you know what makes you happy, but that thing is out of reach?

People are supposed to give us things we like, we’re supposed to spend time doing things we find fun, we’re supposed to eat the food we like, we’re supposed to relax and celebrate a day that is made out to be uniquely yours for no other reason then you get to be slightly older.

And that’s great. But I can’t escape the sense of anxiety that comes with the fact that I always feel like I disappoint people on my birthday.

Cause I don’t know what I like! And even when I do, there’s the fear of being judged negatively for it. “Really, you want to stay at home and watch a movie? That’s all you want to do? Really?”

Yes! Really! Well no, actually I want to go travelling again and write great books and meet interesting people. But just because it’s my birthday, doesn’t mean i’m entitled to do so.

That’s what I mean. there’s this expectation that we’ll be happy and celebrate and do nice things that we like, but because there’s something wrong with me, all I feel is the anxiety this expectation has attached.

So happy birthday to me.

What have I ended up doing to celebrate? Well, last night I went out to dinner with my parents to my favourite vegetarian Chinese place, where they let me order all the food and then made me feel uncomfortable because what i ordered they didn’t really seem to want to eat, but they refused to have any input because ‘it’s your birthday you can have what you want!’ even though all I wanted was for us all to be eating stuff we actually liked.
Then I watched some TV. Then for today, my actual birthday, I’m going to work in about 20 minutes and then going back again tonight to work again. Then i’ll probably go to bed.

I’ve also been hoping one of my friends might call or message me to say happy birthday, but so far all that’s come through was a text from my brother at 5:30am and one from my boss asking me to work.

This year has been pretty good. I got to travel at last and i’m going to uni next year, and my parents in an act of amazingment got me a new computer for my birthday, which is completely awesome.

But for all the good and happy things, all I feel is a niggling sense of sad. Because I’m full of shit like that.

Right, i have to get dressed for work. Talk again soon.

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