Today, the 80-something year old woman who lives down the road from me asked if I had a boyfriend.
You know your relationship status is sad when even your elderly neighbors can comment with a skeptic eye.
Last year I made a quiet promise to myself that when my nineteenth birthday rolled around I would either be a) in a relationship, or at the very least b) have been on a date. Just one date. An actual, for proper real, single fucking date.
Well, my birthday is in ten days and guess what!
For fucks sake.
I feel like I need to discuss the fact that when most of them time when people use the phrase “forever alone” they don’t mean it in the overwhelmingly-single-perpetually-alone-zero-prospects way that I can say it and mean it.
If the world was going to end next week, I would die having never been in a relationship, having never had sex, having never been kissed, and having never been on a date, been asked on a date, or been actually liked by anyone.
In short, my life defines what it means to be actually, completely and totally, and forever alone.
Lets examine this shall we?
Number one: I have never been on a date and no one likes me.
So fact: I have never been asked out. Like never. It’s not a case of “no one good asked me out (but a bunch of losers did)”. No. It’s a case of literally zero people have liked me enough to want to hang out with me.
But hey! I’m a modern woman, and a feminist. I can take action can’t I? And I have. In the past, when I have liked someone and gotten to know them, I have taken the initiative and asked them on a date.
And gotten rejected. Every. Single. Time.
As for no one liking me, well! You’ve heard my valentines day story before where not even my friends thought to buy me a fucking rose and the rose I did get was out of sheer pity. But you know how teenage girls tend to scout out the field for each other and find out who likes who and who you could have a shot with and bla bla bla.
Haha. You can see where this is going!
Not even the best of them could find someone who was interested in me.
Number two: never gone done nothing
Even people who haven’t been on a ‘proper date’ have probably kissed someone. Or fucked someone. Your best friend or a drunk night out, a stranger, a dare, an experiment, whatever.
Somehow I managed to skip that part of teen hood. The whole trying things out and experimenting business. As much as I was curious, I guess my straight as a square edge reputation worked as enough of a repellant. Or alternatively, fear. Or more likely, the fact that throughout high school I was an ugly nerd with self esteem issues who lived alone in a town fifteen minutes drive away from all of my friends. Either way, I have never kissed anyone. And it sucks.
Number three: zero prospects
If the world were to end next week and I were forced into drastic action to remedy some of the above, well, that would be very difficult.
Because I have no best friend to love. No ex to fall back on. No crush to confess to. No “kind of friends but people say he’s looking for more” situation to work with.
There is literally no one. no one I can love. No one who could love me.
I’m so ridiculously single it hurts! And so unbelievably sick of it.
but what can I do? I really don’t know.
So yes this whole blog post is just one long wail of self pity from over here in the lonely and sad corner of the world and I DON’T EVEN CARE because I’m LONELY and SAD.
And I have no one else to talk to about this stuff which just makes me feel even lonelier and sadder. So there.