“The worst thing they can do is kill me!”
The logic of course being that you shouldn’t let fear stop you from doing things because the worst thing that could happen is you could die, and death isn’t that scary.
There are many worse things that can happen then your own death. And this is the worst of them all.
Since I’ve been away from Australia, a bit of homesickness has occurred, but it’s been pretty manageable. Thanks to the marvel of facebook, I feel as though I’m staying up to date with what my friends are doing, and weekly skype talks with my family have been good too.
The only time when the homsickness gets so bad that it’s actually becoming a bit of a problem, is at night.
Everything is worse at night. My brain becomes overactive. I haven’t had a decent nights sleep in the whole time I’ve been here, despite being constantly tired, waking at 6 every morning and going to bed by 8 every night.
It’s at night, lying awake, that I find myself desperate for home. Not even home as in four walls and a familiar bed, but home as in I want to be able to relax, and just be myself. I want to be around my friends, I want to be around my family.
So back to the question, what is worse then your own death?
The answer: The loss of someone else.
Nothing fills that gap. Nothing. It’s there and it’s going to stay there forever. its the absolute worst feeling, the hole where there used to be a person but just isn’t anymore. It’s the most horrible, non-sensical concept, a total all encompassing feeling of absence and things just being wrong. It has the power to ruin every happy moment, every feeling of gladness, because for every good moment, you know there is someone who will never get to know that moment, someone who once could have been able to, but now just won’t. Now, just never will. You can’t share it with them, they can’t experience it. They’re gone, and there’s nothing you or anyone can do about it.
That feeling of loss, that penetrates every single aspect of life. That’s worse then your own death.
Being away from home is hard, but being away from my friends, my family, the people who mean everything, that’s the hardest thing.
Ever since my friend died so suddenly and unexpectedly in a car accident, almost a year and a half ago, my biggest fear has been the same thing happening again. I’m terrified when I’m out of contact with people I know, because anything could happen.
With good reason. It’s not yet been a year since a boy I went to school with died in another car accident. My good friend at home is sick with a horrible illness and no longer remembers who we are. It’s the people who have been lost, and those who are slowly slipping away, that have been hovering around my mind and appearing in my dreams just constantly ever since I left Australia. My grandparents too, who died years ago, are suddenly appearing in my mind and it’s the most painful thing.
I miss them so much, I miss all of them. The constant feeling of loss is worse then the worst kind of homesickness. The fear of something happening to someone at home is a thousand times worse then any fear about my own fate.
The worst thing they can do is kill me? Oh no. There are so many worse things they could do.