Man, I am freaking the fuck out.
I’m not entirely sure why. There are a few very probable causes but examining each one closely doesn’t seem to really cover what this feeling of weirdness is.
So lets examine this shall we:
#1- In two days I will be graduating high school. This is something that I’ve looked forward to for months. And I’m still looking forward to it. However, as our last day draws closer, a million squillion things are happening. For starters, I have to write this speech for the assembly on Friday and have NOTHING TO SAY. I’m also going to sing this song which I don’t really like at the same assembly. Then there’s returning all my text books and signing out, the HSC exams of course, buying grad tickets, choosing my grad outfit, decorating the hall, attending the grad. I’m trying to find a job for the Christmas holidays, apply for university and find scholarships and early entry stuff, waiting to hear back from these people about a volunteer position overseas, preparing for said volunteer position. It like this big pile of stuff that is just sitting there like this big heavy weight and I really just want it all to go away.
#2- I’m eighteen. I’ve posted about this already, but now it’s started sinking in more. Being eighteen is quite freeing, but not nearly as freeing as I’d hoped. Now that I can get a tattoo, i can’t choose the design. Now that I can drink, i don’t want to. There’s a pile of stuff from my bank sitting on my desk like an ominous reminder of adulthood and responsibility. Gah.
#3- I think i’ve finally gotten over the guy i’ve been crushing on for ten years. This deserves an explanation. I met this guy when I was I think, seven years old. I’ve been crazy about him for a very long time. We went to primary school together and then high school. Liking this guy has just become a part of life. I go to school, i go to work, i crush on this guy. That’s just how it is.
But lately, I’m realizing that this unrequited infatuation isn’t fun anymore. The fact that we’ve known each other for ten years and he still hasn’t returned my affections, and more to the point seems to have developed a thing for a friend who is much prettier, smarter and more talented then me, having a crush which is supposed to be fun, had just become painful.
More and more these days, I’m just starting to notice things that he does that if it was anymore else I would find annoying, but just because it’s him I let it go. And as the end of school looms and we start talking about our futures, I’m realizing that ten years wasted pining over someone who is completely wrong for me has been both incredibly depressing and a massive waste of time. I don’t want to sound mean, because he is a nice guy. But, to be blunt, I think i can do better.
I think I’m finally over him.
(I think I may elaborate on this later, but let’s move on.)
#4- I’m a wee bit concerned about the future.
All my life, I’ve wanted to be a writer. Ever since I was a little kid. Now that I’m an adult I’ve decided to pursue this path. I going to try and become a published author. That’s the goal.
But of course, like every ambition ultimately leads to, i’m having massive self doubts. I haven’t written anything substantial in ages. I read back stuff on this blog and cringe. I have all these stories in my head, but for years they’ve been there for no reason other then to amuse myself. It’s such a long shot that something could come of this. I feel really worried when I see critics pulling apart novels and think “well I couldn’t write something nearly as good as that. What does that make me?”
It’s a bit stressful. Which leads me to…
#5- I’m terrified that people are going to discover the fact that really, I’m kind of an idiot. To clarify, I’m a little bit good at a lot of things. And this has gotten me through high school very nicely. But now we’re facing the real world, and it’s frightening that suddenly people are going to realize that I’m not nearly as smart as I pretend to be. Rather, by hiding behind little snippets of this and that, the bigger pictures just been neatly covered up. It’s frightening.
So, a lot of little bits and pieces that I feel weird about. Not one of them accounts for everything, but together they start to form some kind of an idea. Not the full spectrum, but getting there.