You don’t need to understand, just listen to me.

Those things you can’t say, that you just can’t talk about? Why the FUCK can’t you talk about them? Why do you hold back: fear? Vanity? Over-thinking things? For the sake of mystery?

It’s shit. The whole thing is shit. Holding back is shit, not letting things out is just shit. It’s all fucked and i can’t do a thing about it.

For fucks sake.

I wish there was some way you could, you could just open up and spill your guts on that thing that hurts more than anything else on the face of the earth. That thing that you don’t understand, that is confusing and painful and just hangs around all the time, in your head, in your chest. And you just can’t let it out, not because the words don’t exist, but because it wouldn’t make sense no matter what you did.

But why does sense have to matter? Pain shouldn’t need to be understood. Pain is the absence of happiness, or peace, or contentment, or whatever hippy trippy shit you care to espouse. Pain is absence. Why does absence need to make sense, need to have some kind of substance?

That’s right. It doesn’t. Pain is just pain. Why you feel it or what you do about it, it shouldn’t matter. It just hurts and sometimes you just need to express that. Make someone else realize that you are hurting and you don’t understand it.

But you just can’t. I don’t know why. Because if it were so simple, why would I still be feeling this way? Why do i need to push it down and ignore it and think about other things and just feel so, so guilty, until it’s too much to take anymore and all that pent up hurt and pain and absence of good things is so overwhelming that you don’t even know what you feel anymore.

For fucks sake.


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