This vain notion of art.

I’m reading back over some of the stuff i’ve written on here, and can’t say I’m proud.

Generally speaking i’d consider myself an average/decent writer, but well…

Hey, I’m new to this.

I think the reason i made a blog was for me, because I’m young and angsty and stressed and could use some kind of outlet. But i’m doing that annoying thing where i become so self conscious of having an audience (maybe…) that it becomes less about what i want to say and more about what i want people to hear.

I hate this.

I don’t have a great deal of regrets (duh, i’m seveteen for fucks sake!) but there is one that stands out above the rest.

At school, i take a subject called extension 2 english, which is basically a course that requires a student to put together a major work. You do this over  a year. I chose it cause i hate exams and this meant one less exam to do.

In this course one can write a short story, a play, a movie script, you can make a digital media thingo or a film, or write an essay.

I was going to write a short story, because i love writing fiction- but then for some reason…

All I could think about was pleasing the markers. And doing something clever and unique that would get me good marks. And so instead of doing what I actually wanted to do and write a story, i decided to make a film.

BIG. MISTAKE. I’ve made films before, but it’s not a strong point. Not by any measure. But considering the majority in this course of people will write something, i got the idea in my head that this would make me stand out.

Mistake number two was my concept.

I was so damn set on doing well, on fitting with the course guidelines and getting those marks, that the project i’ve wound up with is one that I hate. The concept is rubbish. The delivery is rubbish. The whole thing is cliché and boring and unoriginal and all it does is desperately cling to the course rubric and scream of try hardy shitness.

I don’t actually think it’s possible for me to be more unhappy with this project.

It’s so obvious to look at that I’m not happy making the project. I’m not happy making it, I’m not happy presenting it, i’m not happy to call it my own. This shines through so obviously that ironically enough, my original goal to please the markers and get a decent grade has been jeopardized because what i’ve ended up with is a boring piece of crap with no clear point to it that is not nearly good enough.

What I’m regretting the most though, is knowing that this is a course i could have really enjoyed. That i could have done well in and could have been proud of. If only i’d stuck with what I originally wanted to do, and worked with those strengths, and made the project i wanted to make, not the one i thought would get marks.

I usually hate sentiment, but sad to say i should have followed my heart on this, but I didn’t, and it sucks.

The lesson from this is, to create truly great art, you really have to disregard that notion of an external audience, and make the piece of art that you want to see. You have to make it for yourself first, everyone else comes later.

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